i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
