apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
