Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
