Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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