I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
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I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
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merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!