Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.