I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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