I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
