there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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