I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
