lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
