every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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