I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
