I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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