Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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