ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
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It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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