You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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