Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
