the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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