Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
