life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
