my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
