he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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