I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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