Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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