I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
