I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
