This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
