1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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