They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
