He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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