my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
