I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
