There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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