And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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