Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My friends, they love my intelligence
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
