How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
