I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
