I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
