He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
