Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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