My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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