yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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