somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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