I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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