Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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