Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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