Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
