Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
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I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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