...so i touched it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
