My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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