fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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