I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
