this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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