Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
