Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
