The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
