The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
