Only a mothe r could love this liver
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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