so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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