NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
