There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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