Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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